Maury Paternity Tests!

I can't get enough of those paternity tests on Maury. They're a complete trainwreck. There's always that one whore who slept with too many whorish men and there are only a few possible outcomes:

-Jamarcus, you ARE the father

-Rondell, you are NOT the father

-Cleatus, You are NOT the father. (uh oh, only one guy left. Cross your fingers!) When it comes to 2 year old Dixie May, Rondell, you are NOT the father

Then the poor piece of white trash runs backstage crying and embarrased.

Even though these paternity tests run the same format everytime, I can't look away. I think it goes along with Hobbes' theory that people are "forced to keep themselves in their own favor by observing the imperfections of..." other people. And talk about imperfections! I don't know how Maury can keep a straight face when these loser guests keep coming on his show with the same sob story over and over. I'll practice my broken-English dialect i've been working on since reading all those "negro" stories in Roy Blounts Book of Southern Slave Stories, I mean Southern Humor, to write like one of the guests would speak in giving these sob stories.

Generic Whore: " Moey, Ima dousand puhcent show dat Jumachus iz duh fada of mah baybe. I'za ben'za sleepin' wit dat may'un fo duh pas tree years. Iz aboutz a time dat he starts tuh pay me duh munny foz my baybe Roshahnda. When dat puhternity tes comes back posative, Ima showz da ho wer'uld dat hez'a dedbeet day'ud."

And why is that when the man comes out, he is automatically booed by the audience?! I was watching the show today and a man came out in a wheelchair and they booed him! And it turned out he wasn't the father!

Generic Whore: "Das ok Moey. I didntz want dat may'un to beez duh fada of my baybe n'ewayz. Howz iz he spose'd to take cay'a of Roshanda n'ewayz wen hez in da weeyal chairuh. Ima findz uh may'un, a reel may'un who can takes cay'uh of my baybee."

Maury: (Further exploiting his guests) "Generic Whore, we can always give paternity tests to other men who you think might be the father."

Generic Whore: Iza donts tink so Moey. Das gotz tuh be like tirty udda may'unz i'ds haves to getz to comes out hurr. Ima big 'ole ho. Nose, I tinks Ima jus go back to duh pra'jecks wit my baybee. We aint need no may'un n are lives.

I think this is why shows like Jerry Springer and Maury thrive. They get the stupidest people in the country to make fools of themselves in front of the whole country. And we watch it. We can't get enough of it. It is absolutely detestable, but it's a circus for grown-ups. Only we've replaced the trapeze artist with Amber who doesn't know if her child is her fiance's, or her fiance's best friend who she has been sleeping with on the side. Instead of the clowns driving their small car, we've got a clown like Mo'nique, who thinks one of these eight men could be the father of her child and all have criminal records.

And these people's lives are shattered right in front of us. And who really gets screwed the most is the baby who will either never know her father, or will grow up in a broken home, or both. But I'll keep watching this filth. "For men laugh at mischances and indecencies, wherein their lies no wit nor jest at all." The Maury show is absolute trash, but its guests' imperfections sure make me feel a lot better about myself!