Maury Paternity Tests!

I can't get enough of those paternity tests on Maury. They're a complete trainwreck. There's always that one whore who slept with too many whorish men and there are only a few possible outcomes:

-Jamarcus, you ARE the father

-Rondell, you are NOT the father

-Cleatus, You are NOT the father. (uh oh, only one guy left. Cross your fingers!) When it comes to 2 year old Dixie May, Rondell, you are NOT the father

Then the poor piece of white trash runs backstage crying and embarrased.

Even though these paternity tests run the same format everytime, I can't look away. I think it goes along with Hobbes' theory that people are "forced to keep themselves in their own favor by observing the imperfections of..." other people. And talk about imperfections! I don't know how Maury can keep a straight face when these loser guests keep coming on his show with the same sob story over and over. I'll practice my broken-English dialect i've been working on since reading all those "negro" stories in Roy Blounts Book of Southern Slave Stories, I mean Southern Humor, to write like one of the guests would speak in giving these sob stories.

Generic Whore: " Moey, Ima dousand puhcent show dat Jumachus iz duh fada of mah baybe. I'za ben'za sleepin' wit dat may'un fo duh pas tree years. Iz aboutz a time dat he starts tuh pay me duh munny foz my baybe Roshahnda. When dat puhternity tes comes back posative, Ima showz da ho wer'uld dat hez'a dedbeet day'ud."

And why is that when the man comes out, he is automatically booed by the audience?! I was watching the show today and a man came out in a wheelchair and they booed him! And it turned out he wasn't the father!

Generic Whore: "Das ok Moey. I didntz want dat may'un to beez duh fada of my baybe n'ewayz. Howz iz he spose'd to take cay'a of Roshanda n'ewayz wen hez in da weeyal chairuh. Ima findz uh may'un, a reel may'un who can takes cay'uh of my baybee."

Maury: (Further exploiting his guests) "Generic Whore, we can always give paternity tests to other men who you think might be the father."

Generic Whore: Iza donts tink so Moey. Das gotz tuh be like tirty udda may'unz i'ds haves to getz to comes out hurr. Ima big 'ole ho. Nose, I tinks Ima jus go back to duh pra'jecks wit my baybee. We aint need no may'un n are lives.

I think this is why shows like Jerry Springer and Maury thrive. They get the stupidest people in the country to make fools of themselves in front of the whole country. And we watch it. We can't get enough of it. It is absolutely detestable, but it's a circus for grown-ups. Only we've replaced the trapeze artist with Amber who doesn't know if her child is her fiance's, or her fiance's best friend who she has been sleeping with on the side. Instead of the clowns driving their small car, we've got a clown like Mo'nique, who thinks one of these eight men could be the father of her child and all have criminal records.

And these people's lives are shattered right in front of us. And who really gets screwed the most is the baby who will either never know her father, or will grow up in a broken home, or both. But I'll keep watching this filth. "For men laugh at mischances and indecencies, wherein their lies no wit nor jest at all." The Maury show is absolute trash, but its guests' imperfections sure make me feel a lot better about myself!

Taking a Visitor to See the Ruins

Paulla Gunn Allen's Taking a Visitor to See the Ruins succeeded in Cicero's theory of humor in which "...we expect one thing and another is said; here our own disappointed expectation makes us laugh."
As a person who has seen the cliff dwelling and pueblo villages, I completely expected that the author would be taking her friend to see an ancient native american ruin. Once the two arrived at a high-rise apartment building, it was clear Allen was playing a trick on her friend.
We soon find that the relics Gunn refers to are actually her mother and grandmother, cue the laughter.
The short piece fits in with Cicero's theory, but I think Grawe's theory of human survival as well. The women, Gunn tells us, "...still live in pueblo style in high security dwellings way up there where the enemy can't reach them just like in the olden times." Here we see that Gunn's mother and grandmother are still surviving, in a metaphorical sense, just as their ancestors had.

Class Performances

I want to say congratulations to everyone who performed and thanks to my classmates who were very respectful toward everyone's performances. I think we all learned that trying to be funny isn't easy, and it takes a lot of balls to put something together and show it in front of the class. So classmates, give yourself a pat on the back for giving everyone the respect they deserved for doing something so hard.

ESPECIALLY for our boys and girls that performed in front of the class. I got to give you kids mad props for doing so. It's one thing to put together a video, press the play button, and then sit back down in your seat. It's another thing to stand up in front of everyone, our eyes beating down on you, wanting to laugh, and you guys maintained your composure and had some hilarious jokes. That took A LOT of courage. Good job guys and girls.

I'm bad with names, so the group that put together the Radish Enquirer, it was awesome. A fan of the onion, I thought your fake website was great. I LOVED the literary allusions. I havent heard anyone mention The Yellow Wallpaper since my senior year of high school. Birtha in the attic? That was fantastic. And More Mad Props go to the Cask of Amontillado reference. That is my favorite Poe piece. Fuck you Fortunato.

Whoa, Courtney. Whoa. Let's take a step back here. Next time you're in the quad, or in a class, or at humphreys, lacleeds, iggys, wherever, take a good long look at the women around you. I don't know what St. Louis University YOU'VE been attending, but trust me, it's us GUYS who have been lowering our standards. You can't expect EVERY guy at SLU to look like Bart Posnick or Ryan Trimberger or Thomas Martin. Still, there are plenty of good looking guys on campus. Women? Well, as the saying goes, if you have nothing nice to say...
But that would've been my only critique. Props for pointing out the North Face trend. I too am in that cult and hell if it aint like EVERYONE has a NF. Who wants to wear Columbia??!!!
And Stuff White People Like is a fantastic blog.

The SLU 101 video...thank god me and Donovan did not do that. You girls have no idea how similar our videos would've been. Even I had come up with a joke about peeing on the billiken. I'm glad me and Pat hadn't shot that. We were also thinking about doing a joke about the getting hit by a car rumor! People would've thought we copied each other! But being that I thought about doing that billiken joke/hit by a car, and you girls did do it, props go to you girls for having a good sense of humor.

Really, great job by everyone.

And now I shall return to watching Maury